*bloop*

I came to a very rude realisation the other day. The day that I returned from Batam. It started simply with a stupid stupid thing that I did. I admit it. It was stupid.

We used to be able to bitch at each other because we were such close friends. But now now that you’ve considered yourself as successful and I’ve fallen to an all new low, you’ve chucked me aside. Oh well that is the way the cookie crumbles isn’t it?

“… at least I know what I want in life, do you?”² I simply said No. And I guess that’s the truth but at least I know I’m enjoying the learning ride and I’m never going to be Perfect in this life.

My conscience is clear on one standpoint. I apologised for doing sending the wrong message to the wrong person. Apparently the apology was accepted but I was wrong in having an opinion or trying to rescue what I considered to be a precious friendship (in the past). But the realisation was even ruder. That even in THIS circle of “friends,” same business and all, where we need the support of team mates the most, there is no such thing as friendship. Only Money. With a capital M.

So here it is. I’ve been doing some reading. And the book is right about a lot of things. At least the book doesn’t patronise me and tell me that I can be saved, if I follow the rules it dictates. It tells me that I dictate the rules. So I sat down the other day and started on my own dictating. Suffice to say that I’ve told my boss that I’m going to be a lone ranger where the Team is concerned. My idea of Team has always been there but there are people who are up to the job and there are people who are not. I’ll save my idea of the Team for my own agency³.

Right now for the most part the gunners of this agency are money grubbers. Plain and simple. I see no point in seeing them otherwise, or to give them the benefit of the doubt. Someone made me realise last night, that a Pi and Vick once said to me that my heart is too big. I take it and I envelope those that I care about. But they also said that I have to be more selective. I used to say, well it’s noble and it doesn’t hurt to give too much. There’s no point in waiting for reciprocity, in fact, there should be no waiting. But there’s no point in letting people stab you either. So I’m done. I admit that I popped that dharma pill that Jammy gave me, said a silent prayer and told myself to calm down. My resolve seemed to return. And here I am, in the midst of programming myself.

In my mind I’ve told myself that I’m am of a certain class and that I should be behaving as such. I know this sounds like I’m an elitist. Perhaps I am an elitist, perhaps I’m a middle class heartlander trying to be someone that I’m not. It doesn’t really matter really. I know that I don’t have to shove it in anyone’s face or anything like that. It’s just an opinion that I have to believe in, to believe in myself. I’m not about to let the little people come bug me with their petty little things. Because right now, it’s time to put the shades on. The only people who get to see my eyes are those that are close to me, everyone else can fuck off.